I Hate It Too

I really cannot say if this is me being vulnerable in your inbox or if this is just my own private timeline, but here we are now.

At some point, I think we all face those huge, daunting questions: “What do you want to become in the future?” “Where do you see yourself in the next few years?” “What’s your dream job?” “What kind of woman do you want to become?” “What are your fears?” It goes on and on.

To that last one, I always blurt out, “I’m scared of failure.” It’s almost instantaneous, a reflex. Yet, every time the conversation ends, I sit alone, trying to audit my own soul. Is that truly my fear? I’ve never managed to reach a definitive answer.

I really wish I could still give the innocent answers I gave all through nursery and secondary school. I remember the very first thing I wanted to become was a nurse in nursery school. That earned me a name; I became the popular “Nurse Tomi.” By the time I reached secondary school, I thought I was sure of an accurate answer: a pilot or an astronaut. I just desperately wanted to see what outer space looked like. A little bit of discovery World and Miles from Tomorrowland was all the fuel my fantasy needed, so I dreamt my way out, out of this world.

Spoiler Alert: I got to senior class, and it was time to commit to that dream, but I was a sucker for mathematics. Maybe I still am, but that was the end. I had to settle for a path where I could at least function. I found myself in the art class, where all that was required of me was to bury myself in books and be vocal. Was I crushed? Yes. Did I settle? Not entirely.

I got into the art class eventually, even though Mr. Joe advised my mother that I should stick to science, saying I would cope and was too bright a child to settle. But no, I just wouldn’t listen.

Now that I am here, what next? I chose Law this time. I was determined to win all the prizes.

I got the prizes, but getting into law school became quite tough. My first UTME attempt, the brightest art student got a 240. It was a walk of shame. I felt it through and through, but I didn't know it was going to get worse when I saw my O-level results. This time, I flopped really hard. I didn’t get a single 'A,' just lots of 'B's.

If you ever asked me if I have been broken, that moment was it. I wasn't just broken; I sunk. How does an academic achiever end up in the dregs? Oh! Getting into Film Production with my first JAMB result was an experience mixed with a funny sensation. I hated myself, everyone, my course mates, and my lecturer, just so I wouldn’t have to settle—again.

I ended up taking the UTME form again on the last possible day, the following year. I registered on a Sunday, and then I started having problems with capturing. I really thought people from my mother’s side had followed me when the woman shoved me aside for the ones with "better luck."

Let’s skip ahead, but the 2022 strike was made for me. I read my ass off. I came out with the overall third aggregate for art students who applied to OAU. I got the LAW!

Why did I write all of this? I really don’t know, but I think it makes the storyline better.

I should pick it up from here.

I really wish I was that young and innocent and could still give answers like, Oh, I’d like to become a doctor, a nurse, or even a lawyer—all the typical, "good kid" professions for African parents. I mean, I am studying law right now, but I’ve never truly imagined myself wearing a gown and a wig, addressing a “lord”, or defending a client. All I knew was that I just didn't want to settle for less.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m running. Mrs. Afon’s teaching at Ogooluwa Baptist church, “Running Well and Finishing Well” from 2019, doesn't seem to leave my head. Everything—It all feels like a race. It has always been that way.

You know I hate it when you’re a high-achieving child and everyone just wants the best for you? You know I hate it when I try my best, and it seems as though nobody even cares about my process, only the results? I really do hate it when I fail. Do I even know what failure is, or do I just believe if it doesn’t walk my way, it’s failure and it’s over?

This is the pressure I’ve lived with all my life: you just keep going, no pause, no break. I mean, at 14, I was already a high-achieving lady; at 19, I was supposed to be working at the UN, owning an orphanage, and restoring hope in those who had lost home. For the longest time, I hated my life at 19. I lost it and sought closure in the wrong places, but I always manage to find my way back. My father usually says, "We are from Lagos, Omo olokun ni wa, Okun okin sirin" which translates to: "We are of the sea,  and water doesn't go amiss." Let me have this moment and laugh too or maybe with you.

Really, if you ask me what I’d like to be, I know and yet, I really do not know. I hope you understand me, but it is frustrating.

Today, I want to be a space lawyer; tomorrow, someone whose soul is lost in fashion; the next day, an artist or even a disc jockey or a policy maker, or someone who works with an institution of government that regulates road safety, traffic, and driving, because these people just have cars! They try to kill me every day; even if I wait an hour for all of them to pass so I could use the road , it doesn’t guarantee my safety. Or maybe a baker because of how much I love pastries? I could be a singer too, I love good music I can sing at least. People say I sing well. Or a human rights activist. Or even going into politics and becoming the first female president of Nigeria —because what the hell is going on in this country?

I’m not sure I want to settle for any of these because the next minute I find a loop in society, anything, or any industry, I just want to be there and fix it.

At this point, I’d say I really don’t know exactly what I want to become, but I know one thing, I do not  want to be poor. I don’t want to see people getting hopeless around me. I just want to be someone who gives others a reason to live, to keep dreaming, believing they could do anything and everything.

And even if I were to give an answer to who I want to become now, I’d say: I want to be the woman who chased the wind. The one who admits all the weariness, tears, and uncertainty, yet stands tall.

I just want to be the woman who chased the wind!

There’s really no conclusion. I am just wandering, really.

I still want to work at the UN though.😂